“She always leaves her hair in the bathtub.”

“Always?”

“Well, most of the time.”

“So what?”

“So, it’s disgusting, and I have to pick it up. Otherwise, I’ll be standing in my own filth because the water won’t drain.”

“I take it the world’s not the way you want it to be.”

“That’s a nice way of putting it.”

“Do you feel that she’s not concerned about your well-being?”

“Yeah, I guess so.”

“And have you ever asked yourself whether she’s trying to hurt you?”

“No, but I don’t think she is. She’s just oblivious.”

“Oh, so you don’t think that she’s trying to hurt you? She just doesn’t get what she’s doing?”

“Yeah, that’s what I think.”

“And have you ever spoken with her about this?”

“No, it seemed like such a small thing, and I didn’t want to bring it up.”

“If it is such a small thing, then why are you so worried about it?”

“I don’t know.”

“You don’t think she’s trying to hurt you.”

“Right.”

“Do you believe that she doesn’t respect you? Might you see this as a sign that she doesn’t care about those around her–specifically, you? Almost as if you didn’t exist or if you did exist, as if you didn’t matter?

“Hmm… That could be.”

“Do you think she doesn’t respect you?”

“No, not really. Like I said, I think she’s just unaware that it’s bothering me.”

“We’re trying to figure out why it’s bothering you. You first said that it’s disgusting, but so are lots of other things that you put up with on a daily basis: riding in subway cars, being around sick children, and so on. Maybe you think the hair’s disgusting but it doesn’t have to be this way. Or it could be that you’d be able to tolerate its being disgusting if it weren’t somehow a sign that she doesn’t respect you. That’s where we’re at.”

“I see.”

“So, clearly you could speak to her about it, or you can accept that, so long as you’re living there, it’ll be a part of your life. If you don’t speak to her about it, then haven’t you failed to be the best moral person you could be? You’ve not helped make her better, and that reflects poorly on you. But suppose you do broach the topic, and she doesn’t ultimately change her behavior–or she does but only for a time or she doesn’t do it as thoroughly as you’d like. Then why not see it as a test of your forbearance? How much can you put up with? Wouldn’t doing so reveal something wonderful about you? And, in the grand scheme of things, is it really that big of a deal? Or, seen from above, doesn’t your concern make you look petty? Could it be that she’s not really a bad person, she’s not actually trying to hurt you, but that  she’s got a higher threshold of dirtiness than you do? I’m not implying that she’s perfect; I’m only making room for an alternative explanation: namely, that she’s not evil or malevolent or, in general, horrible. She’s just ‘morally clueless’ or less tidy. What do you think?”

“Yeah, maybe.”

“After all, sometimes a cigar’s just a cigar….”