When, in 2019, my wife and I went on a retreat with the contemporary direct path teacher Francis Lucille, he said to the group: “The separate self delights in the sense of separation.”

I was telling my wife recently: “It’s really sad that A and B are suffering.” And she said, “Don’t be. They’re really enjoying themselves.”

This lila view of suffering (which I’ve already discussed here) may sound harsh or downright erroneous. But it’s not; in fact, it’s compassionate. And, quite obviously, one is not laughing at another, who is suffering. Instead, one understands why there’s something about suffering that’s so, so juicy–until it’s not.

Consider a hypothetical scenario: you keep vacillating between X and Y. You tell others: “Oh, I can’t make up my mind about X or Y.” Others listen to you, offer advice, and still you can’t make up your mind. After a while, some of your interlocutors are confused and may even lose their patience with you. “It’s obvious,” they say. “Why are you dragging your heels with respect to X and Y?” And still you carry on with your vacillating.

Why?

Because you’re having a good ole time dragging your heels! Because it’s delightful to wonder about all these future scenarios! Because you don’t want the part you’re playing–and the suspense you’re experiencing–to end! While you don’t like the suffering, you do love the role, which you’re eating up!

Why don’t people do good things when they know that they’re good? Because they love the role more than the good deed. St. Augustine once said: “Lord, make me pure–but not yet.”

The beautiful thing, though, is that the game of delighting in the sense of separation–between oneself and others, between oneself and the world–ultimately gets terribly, terribly tiring.

This is when true sadhana, or spiritual practice, begins, for here is the longing for liberation. The delight over, you want to know, to taste, to be the true peace of the Self. Asking “Who am I?,” you return to your true center, which is beyond melodramatic delights, beyond likes and dislikes, beyond the fray. You leave the tussle behind.