Dear B,
This is the path of investigation (jnana yoga). Whenever you find something unclear, turn toward it and look at it.
Your essential being is right here. Always. It is not something to be achieved, gained, or lost. You can seem to overlook it, but overlooking your essential being does not entail its disappearance. Even the one overlooking it is IT! Funny!
You don’t need to be smart or learned or have any other qualifications in order to be Yourself. (You’re pre-approved!) You just need to stop overlooking what’s already here. That means “renunciation,” perhaps, for a time. The key thing is that you need, simply, to stop looking for “something else,” “something more,” “something yonder.” That’s all.
As you open to what’s already here, you find a gentle sweetness. Stay here. The rest will take care of itself–in due course.
With palms joined together,
Andrew