On playing things by ear

I’m not very good at playing things by ear. I like to have my ducks in a row, my affairs in order, my kingdom neat and tidy, my shoulders squared. I don’t know how to say “wait and see,” “let’s check back later on this week,” “perhaps next month.” Pin things down, and I am happy.

What explains my desire for predictability and control? Am I less adept than others at tolerating ambiguity and complexity, less able to acknowledge the inherent messiness of human affairs?

And do others have a higher juggling threshold? How come everyone seems to prefer playing things by ear ? Do they love the idea of surprises and accidents and whims? Have they made their peace with disappointments and frustrations, having devised strategies specially suited to the situations? Maybe they’re life masters while I’m a life bumbler.

Then again perhaps they’ve not figured much out after all, and their ear-playing pronouncement is more a symptom than a strategy. Might a predilection for playing things by ear be an indication of a life in disarray, a life filled with indecision, of politicking, of Realpolitick–at times, of inaccuracy and insincerity, deceit and self-deception, and a lack of wholeness?

Or am I deluded into believing that I can achieve some kind of ultimate clarity as if I could rise above life? Rise above life for good.